However, as I grew older, something began to shift within myself.  I started to feel uncomfortable in my once-magical inner world. The things that made me confident, that came naturally to me, my own way of being and feeling about things began to feel wrong, unaccepted, worthless.

 

I started to believe that if something that was so real, fulfilling and wonderful for me had no value for others, then something had to be really wrong with me.  

 

This shameful perception of myself led me to start disconnecting and denying what I used to love.  I began to believe that being happy was not for me, that it wasn't safe being myself. Even though there were no major traumatic events, I silently began doubting my right to exist.  Looking back, it was extremely difficult, but I didn't know it then, as my younger self didn't think there was a different way to live.

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Confused, scared, and desperate, my younger self adopted the strategy of trying to be "better than good" to have some value, and belong.  I numbed out, denied my authentic feelings and put aside my needs, disconnecting from my true nature to hide what I believed to be my inherent flaws.  You see, as children, we are wired to seek connection and avoid rejection. So for me, connecting to my joy became a threat to staying connected to others.  So, the little girl I was then decided that being herself was dangerous, scary, and just plain wrong.  I didn't know it at the time or even as an adult, but these patterns stayed deeply embedded in my subconscious, shaping all my relationships and my entire life.

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Despite consciously knowing that I wasn't inherently bad and had gifts to offer, my emotional response always overruled any possible logic.

 

Up until early 2020, it didn't matter whether I had success, love, money and all my needs met, or faced tremendous difficulties alone, on the brink of homelessness as a single mom; I was chronically unhappy, filled with fear and self-loathing.  Even through many years immersed in spiritual and self-actualization studies, it seemed I was destined to carry this burden, and focused all my brilliant powers towards mastering the art of pretending I was ok.  No one would have ever known I was living in such chaotic inner world.

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Until another major breakdown showed up in my life.  Within one month, I became an empty nester, my recently widowed mom moved in with me, I experienced financial loss while recovering from a work injury that left me unemployable, lost health insurance, and entered menopause. All through a worldwide pandemic.

 

I couldn't ignore the wake-up call any longer.

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Up until then, over the course of four decades and three divorces, I had been unconsciously validating my "wrongness" time and time again. I tried changing paths, partners, places and professions. I tried therapy, counseling, personal growth and spiritual practices. I still struggled with the unconscious belief that I was fundamentally flawed and unworthy of being happy.  Therefore, any opportunity I had to live life to the fullest was squashed by my nasty saboteurs, determined to prove that happiness, love and joy was not for me. 

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But then, Rapid Transformational Therapy® appeared in my life. First as a client, then a student and now as a therapist, this life-changing work helped me identify the origins of the paralyzing struggles. This allowed me to understand those outdated beliefs, and see how they served a purpose when I was a child.  It gave me the power to easily reframe and shift them, bringing so much compassion and tender love to my inner child, and giving me my spark back. I began to experience true joy, wonderful flow and inner peace, like never before.  I regained confidence, and because my inner world began to reset and settle, my life began to unfold as a reflection of my healing.

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Today, I thrive in a newfound relationship with all of myself, with much respect and deep appreciation for my story, without the grip it used to have on me. I have learned to lean into that spark within, as the unshakable well of support and guidance that grows as I do.

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But this is not a happy ever after. I have realized that life is a process, and recalibrations are always needed.  I've had plenty of opportunities to continue to unlearn the old, and relearn what it is like to embrace and embody my true nature, my voice, my gifts, and my unique light.  With this awareness, I have built resilience and courage, along with my certainty that I deserve to live a good life, have my needs met and be surrounded by people who get me and love me for me.

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I've achieved great healing and continue to create a safe, loving space for my inner child, who lives in my world now. The harsh inner chatter has faded away, and I navigate through it with self-compassion when it wants to show up again, because I know now where it's coming from. 

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The extent of this shift has allowed me to reclaim my brain capacity, confidence and self-trust, which gives me incredible energy and awareness for the continued healing and realignment that'll always be needed in my life. 

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For the past few years as an RTT® Therapist, I have also trained in truly amazing modalities to assist in trauma-sensitive heart coherence and mental fitness, like HeartMath™, Shirzad Chamine's Positive Intelligence and the work of Thomas Hubl, with whom I will be training during 2025 and 2026 in a deep dive for personal, collective and ancestral trauma healing.  This will help me expand my inner awareness and relational capacity to be of greater service to humanity, in this time of unprecedented change.